I graduated college ten years ago and now I often reflect on those years as a time when the undercurrents of my unconscious unleashed a torrent of destruction on my mind, body, and soul. It was a willful decay that I consented to through engaging with severe binge drinking, treating Adderall like candy, and 10% sober experiences. A playground for my inner demons to blind my eyes to what my Spirit wished for me to shine light upon so I can align with my Optimal Path.
This entry is not to blame anyone. This is a reflection of my choices and willingness to be consumed by Darkness. I had fraternity brothers who were able to balance studying with social engagements. They worked incredibly hard to pass their exams and did not allow the potential for severe substance abuse to inflict them with Darkness. I’m at a point now though where I ask myself if I’d be friends with the brothers in the fraternity and other college friends in present time because…I kind of feel like I just wanted to hang out with those who allowed me to consume-consume-consume and not illuminate the problems.
This was a slow build – the Descent into Darkness. Freshman year – 2009 – I was excited to start a new life in NYC. I started to drink the summer of 2009 after graduating high school. I never smoked weed because that was the devil’s lettuce, but that all changed Fall 2009. I smoked weed with the new friends that I made and I drank socially without bingeing. I would continue to exercise, ensure that I chose to eat healthy foods, and I never conceived of smoking weed within the first hour of waking up. It was a healthy relationship with substances throughout my entire Freshman year.
Fall 2010…I was a new brother of the fraternity and I came into that semester after a summer of working out and exploring my emerging psychic skills. This was going to be my time! This was when I really started to consume cannabis unhealthily and irresponsibly. I disregarded my exercise routine and I didn’t care about what I ate. I was fooled by Darkness to think that my unhealthy habits from my years as an obese child would never return. But it did!
Sophomore year leading into Junior year was the insidious takeover of Darkness. I never wanted to examine the undercurrents of trauma/pain lingering within my unconscious. I actively attacked any contemplation of homosexuality. I had a playground of unhealthy distraction to use as an excuse to not engage with the Great Inner Work.
I had to purchase new clothes because my old ones didn’t fit. I didn’t think anything of it because I was high 90% of the time and drunk three nights a week – blackout drunk. Weekend mornings at breakfast without any recollection of what occurred the night before. Polluting my body with garbage foods and my lungs were chimneys. Adderall was easily accessible and it was the culture to eat them like candies for studying, writing papers, as well as for partying. Oddly enough…I did not drink coffee! I wasn’t a coffee drinker then until I worked as a barista after graduating.
This slow progression remained unnoticed to my drunken, stoned conscious mind. Clearly…photos illuminated the decaying of my body/mind. I can see the pictures of me in the fraternity’s composite every year illustrate the acceptance of Darkness. I was too depressed to take my senior year’s picture and I ignored the phone calls to get me to the lounge.
Senior year was the darkest. I drank up to four nights a week. I skipped classes too often. I was never sober. My weight was the heaviest it ever was and I completely destroyed all of the work I did in high school. I had no idea what I’d be doing after college so I just wanted to drink/smoke away the internal despair.
No one ever said anything to me. I think my friends didn’t want to hurt my feelings because I was extremely sensitive. It wasn’t their job to mention my tremendous weight gain and irresponsible actions. I certainly wasn’t walking around campus clearly.
I barely graduated.
There are some highlights from my college years especially with my emerging psychic skills. However, 95% of my college years are blanketed by complete regret.
After graduation, I stared myself in the mirror and I then decided to change. The 10 years following graduation were aligned with my commitment to honor my skills, honor my Spirit, and to transform.
I just…my college years were demons’ playground. I don’t spend too much time immersing myself in guilt/shame because that isn’t productive. I focus on my work and my Optimal Path while remembering where I came from so I can use that wisdom to help others.
Jersey Shore’s Snooki was my college totem and…I was a beached whale full of poison.
I have a healthy relationship with substances in my present life. I barely consume alcohol. I may have one glass of wine every two months or so. I never think about alcohol nor do I desire alcohol. I haven’t used Adderall since those days or MDMA (which was used a handful of times). I also have a healthy relationship with cannabis. I use it responsibly after all my work is completed for the day.
I’m not that person from Wagner College and I don’t ever wish to return to those years. I’m anchored in the present moment as much as possible and I believe this is my favorite time in my life. I have my challenges, but the clarity in my life – the eyes to see and the ears to hear – is more valuable than anything I ever attained in my life.